AP English--Teacher Model of Revision, "I Have a Dream" Analysis

Scholars: Notice how the elaboration in the original paragraph is vague and non-specific. To say that an author "elicits the beauty" that "etches a picture in each listener's mind" says nothing especially original or interesting. Basically, I am saying, "Imagery creates a picture in a reader's mind." That is stating the obvious. Of course, visual imagery creates a picture! The original elaboration does not "dig deep" enough. It fails to say what was effective about that specific use of imagery, the meaning of those particular words. I need to elaborate on this new information in King's text and, through reflection (utilizing the SOAPSTone technique), decide how I can better express the effectiveness of King's prose. Every time I reflect in this way (metacognition), I not only utilize the skills I have already learned, but I also improve my learning process for future assignments.

What particular effect would describing beautiful mountains in America at this point in King's "I Have a Dream" Speech (par. 17)  have upon his audience when I consider King's overall purpose and theme?  That is what I had to ask myself to make the elaboration more specific, and frankly, better. I had to think deeply to analyze deeply.  The original paragraph is a superficial telling (the WHAT, which is simply summary; it is NOT Analysis) of King's example. The revision more closely examines the effectiveness, meaning, and purpose of the particular words that he used. Remember SOAPSTone not only as you analyze the entire passage of a text, but also as you analyze individual examples of rhetoric. Always ask yourself, "How is this example of rhetoric particularly effective as I consider the Subject, the Occasion, the Audience, the Purpose, the Speaker, the Tone/Mood, and the Theme?" Using SOAPSTone will help you more effectively explain why the instance of rhetoric that you are citing is effective. Analysis is the WHY and the HOW.

Original

The brilliance of King’s rhetoric is obvious in his artful descriptors of the

various mountains—“prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire,” the alliterative “mighty mountains of New York,” “heightening Alleghenies of

Pennsylvania,” “snowcapped Rockies of Colorado,” and the use of both

alliteration and consonance in “curvaceous peaks of California.” Such

attention to varied descriptors elicits the beauty of our homeland and

etches a picture in each listener’s mind.

Revision
The brilliance of King’s rhetoric is obvious in his artful descriptors of the various mountains—“prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire,” the alliterative “mighty mountains of New York,” “heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania,” “snowcapped Rockies of Colorado,” and the use of both alliteration and consonance in “curvaceous peaks of California.” Such attention to varied descriptors elicits the beauty of our homeland, arousing patriotism (pathos) and unifying his listeners. King's topographical imagery reminds Americans that they are one people who share a common landscape and a communal dream of freedom and civil rights, irrespective of the state that they call home.

The words in red point to the meaning and theme in this particular passage of King's text, as well as meaning and theme in the overall speech.

See: http://apcentral.collegeboard.com/apc/public/preap/teachers_corner/45200.html